I couldn’t sleep because I got the “image flashes” again. So instead of just waiting for them to pass I turned on the pc in the middle of the night to type up the names of the people that came back to visit me. People from way way long time ago until some quite recent. I can’t exactly say their influence was a positive one in my life. All of their behaviour resulted in some kind of damage. I came to a list of FIFTY-FOUR names. Some of them I don’t even know the names anymore but I just see their faces so incredibly clear. Here’s the numbers and why I think they come back to visit me (and no, of course there’s no names):

1. Thought too little of me.
2. Publically humiliated me.
3. Acted severely inappropriate, situation involving me.
4. Woman hater.
5. Exploiter and secretly jealous of me.
6. Very jealous of me.
7. Arrogant and very jealous of me.
8. Just a giant prick that likes to hurt people.
9. Arrogant and too complacent.
10. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, twat.
11. Woman hater.
12. Confused, with a lack of spine.
13. Too much friends and politics.
14. Too selfish.
15. Just plain rude and nuts.
16. Too complacent.
17. ‘When it is convenient for me’.
18. A really obnoxiously rude person.
19. Has no spine.
20. Uses people, inappropriate sense of humour.
21. Very jealous of me.
22. Didn’t care about anything, thinking they’re so great.
23. Strategical fail.
24. Emotionally disturbed, without moral.
25. Emotionally disturbed, but made to be a trainwreck by others.
26. Incredibly stupid, thus rude and nuts.
27. Should learn to pick their friends carefully.
28. Mentally unstable and unreliable.
29. Very hateful individual, takes absolute pleasure in hurting others.
30. Woman hater.
31. Will use people when it’s convenient.
32. Mentally unstable and unreliable.
33. Likes to confirm their own truths without inspecting evidence carefully.
34. Emotionally unbalanced.
35. Extremely rude and antisocial prick.
36. Trailer trash.
37. Wants to interfere where you cannot, logically. Goes beserko like a 3 yr old if that doesn’t happen.
38. Quite possibly a woman hater, never confirmed.
39. Has no idea what’s coming out of their mouth that has to be washed with soap.
40. Unreliable, not spineless, just unreliable.
41. Big mouth, nothing to show for it.
42. Extremely big mouth, what an ape!
43. This one might actually be diagnosed with a mental illness.
44. Alcoholic, a person that receives but does not give.
45. Spineless.
46. Very stupid, therefor never sure what came out of the mouth.
47. All kneel to the emperor, because he is here (that kind of thing).
48. Resentful jackass that likes making rude remarks to innocent bystanders.
49. Arrogant prick.
50. Part woman hater, part too in love with himself.
51. Socially inapt.
52. Unreliable, wait for the correct moment to make themselves ‘look better’. If it costs you your carcass, they don’t care.
53. Unreliable.
54. Emotionally unbalanced, may actually have a mental illness causing it.

For the record, they’re not all my ex boyfriends haha. It’s safe to say I’m waiting for an apology of 54 people, that will never come. I don’t even know if some of them are still alive. Some rank higher than others, but at least half destroyed a lot. The order and pile-up of their appearances through the years have also contributed to that depression I had between 24 and 26. I am literally unable to forgive or forget, why else would their faces pop up in my head without reason? I have unfinished business with 54 people and the hoards of others that I can add to the list as the days pass by.

I’m going to have to live with these images in my head from time to time until I forget their names and their faces become a blur in my head. Taking a big shovel and trying to bury it is not a succesful tactic, I tried that :D

Edit: Slept like a baby. Now this morning I get the remaining names; another 3. So in total thats going to be 57.

1. Complacent, self centered
2. Plain creepy.
3. Even creepier.