During the office christmas gathering, one of my coworker asked: “Say Feles-kun, why ain’t you hooked up yet?”. Since I’m kind of used to dealing with people on the topic, answered accordingly. “You know what man, you tell me. They ain’t linin’ up in front of my door I can tell you that much”. They looks at me sheepishly, in disbelief. I’m confident enough to say it like that you know. I might be a tad weird but I grow on you. XD. Even though I am getting older, still have no complaints about how I look. Specifically too cuz I lost 14 kilograms and has perfect weight nao.<3 (I hope I can still enjoy that for another 10 years).

Conversation continued on, I said I don’t go out much since it’s not much my thing to hang at the bar (forget to mention, unless I can get shitfaced). The guys of course, shared “LOL-STORIES” about intarweb dating and how this and that person got another chick every other week. So an older woman I work with she said: “You know if I were your age, I’d have a different guy every week“. I said: well that’s exactly the problem there. Why on earth would I want that except to get off? If it’s a relationship I want, I’m just wasting my goddamn time that way, am I not? I can tell from one date what a guy is after. If he’s doubtful I’m just not even chasing him anymore. Besides, if I were to give into a one night stand I’d literally throw his ass out before I’d go to sleep. Asin: “You’ve done your job now gtfo“. Laughs all over the place of course. Then comes the “you’re just picky” part I really love. Honestly, you people have a board stuck to your face or what? Nobody is chasing me, I had to do all the picking up so far and when I do get approached it’s some horndog bastard that wants to get laid. As soon as I smell em I go: not in this lifetime pal. You’ll have to be smoother and hotter than that. Nothing you can give me I really want this way, that’s for sure.

As long as nobody is seriously chasing me, this isn’t going to happen you know. This might sound arrogant but there’s nothing wrong with my appearance and I’m a good companion to have. Seriously? I wonder how some of you will wake up bored shitless 5 to 10 years from now because you wanted her to ‘shine less brightly’ than you do. What are the lulz in that? I see many like that. I mean there’s nothing in there but “bééé” like sheep. No jokes, no funny stories, no deep conversations, no inspiration, no nothing. Do I believe there’s still guys out there that aren’t like that? Difficult question. I’m a woman with a tremendous amount of things to offer a man, but it’s exactly that keeping them out of my yard. My personality is extremely strong and a little off the beaten path so to say, which often leaves the impression I would need a trained house dog instead of a man. How much more wrong can you be? I don’t want a meak little lamb, I want a caring sweet guy that takes care of me without stifling me to death that has flair, pazzaz, a set of  kahuna’s. You know, someone like me, not pledging allegiance to any gender stereotype flag and just doing what they wants to do even if I don’t always know as Jack Of All Trades (the handy swiss pocket knife~lol).

Another thing that’s probably against me is that I’m not very emotionally needy. I don’t need to be told all the time that I’m loved. I rarely get jealous, when I do I’m too logical to start a fight about it knowing it would drive a guy the other way. Simply said, in the potential of having a longterm relationship I should be more emotionally demanding on a guy – which I don’t do. It never comes that far though. It’s been a long long time since it came that far. That’s part of me too though, as an ENTJ – I’m not very needy, so deal with it! I always look at it like this: when I have a sentimental moment it just means 200 times that instead of repeated daily thing that gets tiring and boring. With other chix, you feel special about 3 months until you feel they’re ‘crampin’ your style’. With me, you feel special when you’re 80. I’m that type of person.

Here’s another thing against me: my profession. Not to mention it does create women that are “on the tougher side”, but I’m also part of a group called “geeks”, “them nerds”. So without going into the whole “mah chick can fix my binaries better than I can” problem, a lot of men say goodbye to “geeky” before even giving it a chance too. I think… Honestly, I do not have enough experience to know this for sure. I don’t geek enough to actually have a Warhammer collection in my basement, though without a doubt I sometimes geek around. I have no problem dating guys that do have a Warhammer collection in their basement, simply by the fact that I don’t judge them by that. I judge them by who they show themselves to be. If I took a crap on everything people might think of me all my life, what good would I be if I would judge the first Warhammer puppet painting geek that would come along and judge him to be “too tame”? Truth be said though, if they weren’t like that, people will just keep on bashing on you until you are like that. Which is why women like me become of the more tougher type. Some of it can’t be avoided. I really hate that about h00mins. But you know that. I really hate how we socially influence eachother and think we’re soooo damn right about everybody. It’s no longer shaping, but raping.

The last thing against me, which probably only now I understand the implications of, is practising astrology. You don’t go running around making it known to everybody off the bat because it’s not understood. There’s a second problem to that though: you process your thoughts differently. You have an enormous vocabulary for the state and feelings / the human mind. So if you think talkin’ bouts feelings is a chick thing, now multiply that with an intellectual approach times 100. It will extremely rare to catch me not being able to put into words what I actually want to say to you. Probably with some added drama, at times unintended sargasmic humour… but being at a loss of words for describing the human state of being is extremely rare for me. I have no issue with people that can’t do that, because it’s pretty hard if you don’t come from the same background. I basically have an issue, when they have an issue and then being too afraid to tell me about it (how very ENTJ once again). I guess I’m about as tough as your attempt to query me about it.

Perhaps I truly am a frightening woman from a distance, and I may be even more frightening up close. But you know what? Fear is for wimps, and even though I angst at times, the willingness and endless effort I give to live fearlessly (いっしょけんめい) is the single most important thing I like to see in a potential partner. I don’t want to feel like I’m the only person on the planet like this. Seriously. Won’t be too hard to understand I feel this in every breath I take though. Every single day.