Well don’t ask. Full Of Fail (FOF). The company is “suffering” through this “recession” that’s one thing that’s sure. Heard today another year contract is moving. Do I have to worry about my job? Not yet, I think. Basically, I’m probably one of the worst people to get rid off if you have to do a ‘firing round’ really. It’s because I basically master everything in 3 seconds. Don’t need me anymore doing A? Try B, and within minutes I’m already doing it. It’s not that I trust teh cumpany to see how much I’m really worth which I’ve proven and proven again, but at least I have some faith in them still recognizing my amazing-u flexibility when it comes to different types of tasks. How do I feel about that? Don’t ask. FOF. Like we say in my dialect Dutch: “geer kent miech van de rug aafroetsjen” (lit en: You can slide off my back for all I care).

After 5  years one thing is seriously clear: I am not a sarari-woman. Second thing is still not clear: how to do what I love without selling out to the very thing I love. I really do not desire setting up a company and working myself to death for the mere fun of profit. I am a person that has to love what they do and stand behind it with their ideals. Perhaps that’s something some people don’t understand, I’m not even sure if I understand. I just know that deep down inside I want it to have meaning. Perhaps meaning beyond reasonable understanding. On the other hand I told my friend not too long ago, I may even be forced to set up my own company from the profit/self employed motive alone because I’m in a constant battle working for someone else, let’s say it nicely, ‘because I’m not the type’. If I can have nothing much in this life, at the very least I would like to be able to live comfortable exacting my ideals. That is already an enormous request, isn’t it? Perhaps one day I find that balance what I’m looking for. Right now I’m simply not seeing what I could do that would keep me out of poverty and into fulfilling my ideals. Ideals? I got lots of them. Applicable ideals, that’s another story.

I choose the absolute worst profession to get some kind of satisfaction out of a day though. How to shut mouth “x, y, z” isn’t exactly on the list of my life-fulfilling things. It’s exactly being “Jack of all trades” that’s in my way. Doing many things well, and find enjoyment in doing many things well, means you’re eternally searching for that path which allows you to exact all: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, creatively.

I have no shortage in self confidence though, if anyone can make it happen, it’ll be me. I’m just not putting my savings into something I don’t fully believe in with all my heart. Haven’t been driven to that madness yet.